“Bedroom Blogs” Week #11

…Can he fuck?  I mean…can he really fuck? 

Can he make your pussy wetter than Niagra Falls?

Erupt harder than a volcano?

Have it craving guacamole dip right after?

Can he?  I mean…can he really?  

To answer these poetic questions in somewhat of a simple context; yes, but more-so when he’s not with you.  One more serious question; how many of you just raised your eyebrows in complete and utter confusion?  Lots of you?  Perfectly understandable.  Perfectly understandable indeed.  But before you pounce and attack, let me explain exactly what I mean by this.  And TRUST; given that this is me doing this, and not anyone else, it is not going to be anything close to a difficult explanation.

Hoya may seem like the sweet “boy next door that we all just want to fuck the shit out of in the middle of the street even if we know that our mother would be watching in complete horror from the inside of the house with her nightie on and your dad’s car may be the one to pop up out of nowhere and have his headlights flashing on you two…as you continue to fuck his brains out,” but in actuality, he’s doesn’t really fit the bill to as high of an extent as you would think.  Hoya is a very sweet kid, don’t get me wrong for one second.  In the means of RELATIONSHIPS, he is absolutely a wonderful candidate if you want what I feel that all women should want out of a man; someone who is going to treat you right.  But let’s be honest here;

This mother fucker is not going to resist the scent of pussy even if someone offered him one million dollars and Tickle Me Elmo.

He likes to fuck.  Point blank, period, no questions need to be asked.  Hoya likes to fuck in any damn way possible.  Whether it be sweet and romantic, or rough and nitty gritty; he likes to fuck.  But the thing that kind of baffles me about that statement is the fact that Hoya isn’t even a freak.  Like…he is legitimately not a freak.  I mean, he loves sex and all, but he’s nothing like a Bi Rain or a Choi Siwon.  He just….likes to have his penis inside of stuff.

Laugh all you want to, but that’s honestly the best way that I can describe it.  He just likes to stick his penis in things and feel the warm sensation of it.  I’m not saying that he’s the type of guy who would put a pumpkin into a microwave, heat it up for thirty seconds, cut a hole out of it, and stick his penis inside of it (though he would MOST DEFINITELY convince any other member of INFINITE to do it,) but in the means of just having tight things around it and enjoying it…well, no one loves it like Hoya…except for Yoseob, but like I’ve said before, that boy is so desperate for pussy that he would get down on his knees and beg for it.  Poor thing has even named his right hand “Wanda P.”  Think about that for a second.

But anyways, this blog is not about Yoseob, is it?  So let’s get to the nitty gritty of the blog.  Let’s get a little crazy.  

A lot nasty.

To start off; Hoya’s dick is…average, per-say.  I mean, I really just shrugged when I thought about it.  It’s nothing extremely special; about five to six inches, it fits his body, and it has quite a nice color/smoothness to it.  So if you like your dicks to look quite elegant, then I think that you’re really going to like being with Hoya.  When his dick is in your mouth, it legitimately feels like silk across your tongue.  There is literally no other way that you could describe it.  The way that you could slick it up and then stroke it afterwards is like no other.  And then the faces that he makes when he’s above you.  He really shows that he’s into the sex, which you want out of any guy.  You never, ever, E-VER, want a guy who is just going to lie on top of you and just go.  Not only is that disrespectful, but it is extremely awkward…I mean…just ask any woman who’s fucked Nichkhun.  And I am so sad to report that there are bitches out there who have done so who are not getting child support at the moment.  Fucking sad, pathetic ho’s do not know how to play the game.  Whereas I am here getting a check every week from…let me stop right there.

[Smiles sweetly.]  Let’s move on and talk about Hoya’s dick, shall we?  I said before that it’s nothing special, but it is a beautiful sight below his abs; best believe that shit.  And best believe that Hoya, like any man on this planet, ladies, loves head.  Even though there was an implication before-hand that implied that he loves damn near everything involving sex; he especially loves head.  Nothing gets him off more than the feeling of your hot breath around your shaft.  And if you know how to deep throat like a champ; this man will nearly want to marry you.  So pay attention Inspirits; if you want that white dress and beautiful mixed, Twix caramel colored baby, grab one of those elongated lolipops from Cedar Point, and start deep throating that mother fucker until you throw up on your mother’s good carpet.  It is worth the scolding and ass whooping that you’ll get after that.

And speaking of carpet, let’s move on to how he fucks.  Now I know that some of you may be a little alarmed of the fact that I skipped the segment that mostly all women look forward to, a.k.a the pussy licking, but there’s a reason why I’m saving that particular part for last.  Now moving back to his fucking; Hoya is…a mini-beast.  The best way to describe him would be like saying that he’s the most approachable when you go the club, but not the best fucker.  He’s like an alternative to that buff ass mother fucker who you notice right off of the back and want to slam you against the bar’s wall like a mad man and fuck your pussy until your cumming AS he continues to fuck you, bite your neck, and slap your ass to the beat of 2ne1’s “I Am The Best.”  You want him to bring new definitions to “BAM BA RA TA TA TA” YES MA’M! 

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I am never going to pull off claiming that I am a virgin ever again.  Ever.

But yeah, like I was saying before; Hoya isn’t exactly THAT man, but he can fuck.  And trust me when I say that when he has you up against the wall and he’s delicately sliding you up and down on his dick, as he places tiny, baby kisses on your neck, and you run your manicured nails across his perfect, God given, abs, you are never, EVER going to question the existance of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.  Take note that I have no idea why I just said those words in that context.  But anyways, Hoya is a very romantic type of lover when he’s the one taking over.  The mere fact that I just called him a “lover” and not a “pussy egg beater,” per-say, should give you somewhat of an indication on what exactly I mean.  He’s the type to care for his woman before he cares for himself…on the outside.  

Well actually, I’m not going to be mean and say that.  Hoya isn’t really the selfish “bitch, get your knees and suck this dick” type of guy, but there are moments where you’ll be running your tongue along the less sensitive parts of his body, and on the inside, he’ll be wanting to yank you by the hair, unbutton his own pants, and have you get to work.  But don’t be alarmed Inspirits…the only person he would ever do that to is Tffany or L.  Because let’s face it, when L is in the bedroom with ANY man; he is going to be whipped bitch of the CENTURY!

But then again, that could be said as the same for Hoya.  He’s not a “whipped bitch” like L, for example, or to a further degree YANG YOSEOB, but when you want to take control, he is most definitely going to let you.  This is the part of sex that you are going to be looking forward to the most, after a certain other topic that will be discussed later.  Enjoy the fact that, with Hoya, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want to.  He loves fucking way too much do say “no” to anything.  As long as it doesn’t involve blood or shit (though there’s not much that he can do if he’s tied down to the bed,) you’re all good to do what you want.  But let me give you guys some pointers.  I like to call this “How to Fuck: K-Pop Style,” A NEW SEGMENT YA’LL!

-He likes to be tied up.  I mean, he REALLY likes to be tied up.  It’s somewhat of a fetish, to be quite honest.  It’s a little scary, but not to the point where you need to remove yourself from the room, like you would with Yoseob, because he would be laughing in anticipation, only to not get any pussy because of the fact.

-As you tie him up to the bed; suck his dick before you do anything, or switch positions.  This is what he enjoys the most.  And that leads me to the next point;

-Blindfold him.  Hoya likes excitement in his sex.  The occasional surprise from here and there really spices things up for any relationship.

-Surprise him!  When he’s driving the car, pull down his pants and start sucking his dick.  He is SHOCKINGLY able to keep his composure when that happens.  I mean, sure, if he has his window down and a bunch of old ladies just so happen to drive up to the red light next to you guys and hear him moan, it’s going to create for a very awkward moment, but bitch, you have a job to do, and your man is enjoying it; so who gives a flying fuck?

And finally….finallly…

-Let him lick your pussy.

I am telling you girls right now….[starts fanning myself and drinking water] Hoya is one of the ultimate…one of the Messiah men when it comes to licking pussy.  If you thought that his dick was beautiful, you will be purely amazed and stunned when you see his tounge.  That little slim piece of him is the thing that will have you VOLUNTARILY hitting your head on the bed rest in the purest of ecstasy.  Hoya is so good at pussy licking that you will want him to lick you in more positions than you will want him to fuck you.  Hoya is so good at licking pussy that you will create the Grand Canyon on his fucking back.  Hoya is so good at licking pussy that you would want him to engorge the entire thing into his mouth and keep it in there until you had to go to work the next morning.  Hell, Hoya is so good at licking pussy that you would want him ATTACHED TO YOU AT WORK!  This man makes pussy licking into an art.

This is the only art of sex where he is really cocky, to be quite honest.  He can pleasure a woman in ways that not a lot of idols can do, and he’s proud of it.  I mean, yes, he gives props to his superiors, Rain, Siwon, and a couple of others, but when it comees to the youngin’s; Hoya is just nodding his head and licking his lips.  Making all of them cringe because they just know…they just know what he does to women.  And also because Tiffany is half naked on the floor passed out because he just got done with her.  And in case you haven’t noticed by now; Hoya and Tiffany are the perfect sexual couple.  These two, next to JongKey, and Jonghyun and That Woman, are the Korean couple that I would literally scream towards if they came out with a sex tape.

Hell, these two wouldn’t even come out with A sex tape.  They would come out with “Chronicles of Fucking: TiffHoya!”  Try to make it sound al fancy and shit, when in reality, they simply read this blog and got the title from me.  That day, ladies and gentlement, is one that I will be looking forward to.  That, and the day that I am proven right with Hoya.  Though I already know that I am.  He could come out with a sextape tomorrow, completely suck, and I would just know that he was mindfucking…in more ways than one.

Thanks.

Credits to Google Images…yo.

Oh, by the way…

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Re-blog and leave the name of a man you want an edition of “Bedroom Blogs”written on!  I will be taking one request until the fifteenth week.  Have a blast.

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #10

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #10

….Honestly?  I’ve done ten weeks of these damn blogs?  I feel as if there is something very wrong with that, but I won’t realize what it truly is unless I become an idol…or if one of the actual idols sees one of these…OH GOD, TELL ME I HAVEN’T DONE ONE ON SOMEONE WHOSE FLUENT IN ENGLISH!  Shit!  I have to check that later!  But anyways, to take my delusion out of the equation, it’s VIEWERS ASK WEEK!  I asked you guys to send questions my way, and told you that I’d answer all of them with complete honesty.  I’m hoping to maybe do one until the twentieth week, if I get there, but only God knows what I’m giong to do over my winter break.  Okay, now let’s get these questions started, shall we?

-Huh… uh well who seems the most vanilla/worst in bed all around/ice cream licker/total freak in MBLAQ? Minus Joon but if you include him too it would make me smile all the same, thanks (is this a better question…?)

Very good question!  Honestly, this one may take a little thinking.  I think that in the means of who’s the most vanilla/worst in bed, honestly, I would probably have to say, in the overall sense, probably either Mir or G.O.  Now the mere fact that the words  ”worst in bed” and “G.O.” are in the same sentence may startle you, but let me explain what exactly I mean before you attack me to the extent that some Korean Shawols almost did to That Woman when that scandal broke out;

I don’t know exactly how long you have been reading “Bedroom Blogs,” but a few weeks back, I did an edition on three of the members of TVXQ, one of which was Yunho.  What I said about him was that, though he was decent in bed (nothing spectacular,) he was the type of man who was more-so a baby maker rather than a love maker.  This is the case wtih G.O.

I feel that, compared with the rest of the members, he’s the type who just wants to thrust on top of you until you’re knocked up, rather than thinking in a more artstic/intriquite sense of sexuality.  Yes, he can most definitely throw down in the bedroom when the situation calls for it, so much to the point where your pussy will feel bloated after having fucked him for thirty minutes straight.  But when compared with the other members, I think that he’s lacking.  To go into more detail, let me clarify how exactly the other three members are before I move on to my opinions of Mir;

Seungho is like latin fire in the bedroom.  Honestly, when you’re with him, you will feel like the entire room is engulfed in flames, and the air is covered in the thickest of black smoke.  He’s an extremely passionate lover that will take your breath away as he kisses the soft spots of your neck and touches you in the exact places that will have you covering your mouth in the attempts to hide your moans and screams.  How exactly he would have found them, you won’t know.  But at the same time, you will not give two shits, because, like I said before, you will be trying your hardest not to scream out loud and cry to God.  Seungho is also one of the best pussy lickers when it comes to K-pop idols.  I’m not saying this because of the fact that he has big lips, obviously, but instead because he legitimately can lick pussy.  His head giving skills are the type that, when at their peak, will make you feel like you just tried to swallow a tennis ball (for some drunken reason beyond your comprhension,) and can’t get it down your throat with ease, like you thought after that fifth shot of Tequila.  Your thighs will be shaking so hard that it would put a juice-head with a shake weight to shame.  You will sweat like you actually attempted to do something in gym class, and even though you won’t black out after the entire thing is done and over with, you’ll feel like at least going into a very deep sleep.  But with his dick pounding in and out of you, that is going to be a very hard task. Very…hard.

Though you would honestly expect Lee Joon to be the type of guy who would just be an all-round goofball and poke you with the tip of his penis over, and over, again, just because he can, he’s actually not like that when the doors are shut.  Lee Joon reminds me quite a bit of a younger Rain, to be quite honest.  Though he’s not nearly as experienced, or as techniqued, he has the potential to be up to Rain’s level…if he fucks more.  Joon reminds me a lot of the popular guy in high school.  And I don’t mean the one that fucks a lot of girls, only to talk a big game.  I mean that one really good looking, heavenly gorgeous, slightly mysterious, popular guy, that we’ve all had in our high schools, who actually walks the walk and doesn’t talk the talk. Though he’s not the type that you would expect to be extrodinary in the bedroom, he is.  The way that I’m invisioning things is kind of like how the male lead in this one Zane book was.  I apologize for forgetting the actual name, but it had a lady in a red dress being kissed on her neck on the cover of it.  This guy could hit the right spots with ease, knew exactly what to do in the means of foreplay, and truly knew what made a woman peak.  Though not to the high, fantasy sense of the book, I feel that these characteristics relate to Joon in a great way.  After his first time, which I would presume was quite awkward since he was just starting to get to know a woman’s body, Joon started to develop a true sense of what makes a woman tick.  Like it’s been discussed all throughout the blog (I almost called it a book,) Joon’s goofy exterior is, pretty much, just an act.  Granted that if you’re in a relationship, he will still be his goofy self, but when the doors are shut, you’re in for an amazing time.  And in case you’re wondering; Joon is in fact a candy licker.

And now it is time for Baby Sandara Park.  This little guy right here is also one that you would expect to be on the virginal side, which he is, but not to that strong of an extent.  The virginal characteristics that he exudes are actually quite enjoyable when you think about it.  He doesn’t just know what a woman wants, like Seungho or Joon does.  So with that being said; he has to explore you.  He has to figure your body out and really have your help on where exactly you want him to touch you, and what exactly you want him to do.  With the two of you on that bed, it has to be a collaborative effort.  You can’t just expect him to know these things like Joon, Seungho, or even G.O.  Like some others, you’ll have to really be honest when it comes to him.  And trust me when I say that when the honestly comes, so will you.  Because once you really show him what you want and how you want it, Baby Park will take everything from there.  Once he even slightly feels that something is right, he’ll work with it, and if he garners great responses out of you, best believe that at the end of the night, you won’t even remember having to help him out.  But also take notice that having to help someone out is not always a bad thing during sex.  Sometimes, like in this case, it can actually make things more enjoyable and pleasure for the two of you.

Okay, and now that that “Cosmo” sex blogger bullshit is done with, let’s get real, shall we?  [Cracks knuckles.]  Mir…Mirry…Mirry…Mir…mmm…mmm…mmm.  Now some of you may be confused with the intro, but…mmm..mmm…mmm.  Let’s just say that this little one right here does not live up to the hype.  With that voice, and that bad boy exterior that made you cream your panties when you watched the “Mona Lisa” video, you would expect Mir to be beyond great in bed.  Hell, you would expect him to be so good that he would break you through the bed in similar likes to how Kitty Pryde phased through hers in “X-Men 2” when those men almost shot her.  You would expect him to be so good that he could stick an ice-cream bar in your pussy and have that shit licked out in less then three minutes…though I would presume that that would require deep-throating, which may cause some suspicion on your part, if you know what I mean.  But anyways, to move on to the heart breaking portion of this blog….Mir is actually not as good as he seems.  And the odd thing is that I can’t exactly even point out what it is about him.  It’s like…he’s fine, for the most part, but…he’s just awkward.  I feel like if you were to have sex with Mir, it would feel like having sex with someone who is not only underage, but also someone who you could potentially break.  In fact, I think that’s one of the more bothersome points about him; the fact that he is so damn skinny, and seemingly short.  Some of the positions would just be awkward, especially if you were taller than him.  I mean, if you tried the cowgirl position with him and you were like five foot eleven, you wouldn’t even have the opportunity to kiss him because you would be looking at the head rest of the bed more than you would his face.  I feel like in order for you to even get a peck of his forehead, you’d probably have to lower your neck down like a freaking giraffe in order to get at least moderate results.  And even if you guys switched it up and he decided to get on top of you, yeah, he’d be fine at thrusting and shit, but in order to get that more intimate sense of loving, he’d had to climb you like a damn moutain, and more than likely lose his pace of thrusting.  That’s yet another thing that makes Mir not exactly the best.  Out of all of the members of MBLAQ; he’s the least experiencced.  I wouldn’t say that just because he’s the least experienced, he’s the most experienced when it comes to masturbation (that title goes to Joon,) but you will be able to tell that he hasn’t been with a lot of women if you ever get with him.  I think that during the first time, his pussy licking will actually pleasure you without him knowing it.  His tongue and the vibrations of his voice will have you at least moderately enjoyed, so don’t worry about that.  But in the means of overall being sexual, Mir just isn’t that experienced yet.  So with that being said;

Mir is the most vanilla.  Sorry Mir fangirls. 

-MBLAQ all of them except Joon?  Idk what question to ask, this is so embarrassing uh. Oh or Onew, yeah do you think he’s really as innocent as his image shows him? *runs away*

Yet another great question by the exact same person!  To answer your question in a very blunt and slightly alarming manner; HELL TO THE NO!  Do you really think that with all of that fucking bulge in his pants, he would be anywhere near the levels of innocent that he is outside of the bedroom?!  No!  HELL NO!  Sure, Onew is still very CARING in the bedroom.  One of the most caring idols in fact.  But is he innocent?  Hell no.  Not even close.  The things that this man will do to you behind closed doors will have you shooting yourself at the mere fact that you let the word “innocent” enter your mindframe.  And you see, Onew isn’t even the super, ultra freaky type like Jonghyun is.  He’s not the type who will have you slammed against the wall as he’s pounding into you, or the one who will have your head next to your head as he’s fucking you doggystyle.   Honestly, being with Onew is going to be like having the first time that all freak’s dream of.  It’s like a mixture of the soap operas, and what you see in porn.  Yes, he’s caring, he’ll touch you softly, and his kisses are sweet, and gentle to the touch.  But when the climax comes, let’s just say that you won’t know exactly where you learned how to say “fuck me harder” in Korean, but you most definitely will.  You most DEF-I-NI-TELY will.

-So, to help your next bedroom blog, what is your opinion on the members of 2AM and how they are in the bedroom?

Lord, another one?!  Hold on.  My punkass needs food before I tackle this one.  [Fourty minutes later.]  Okay, I’m back.  Now 2AM…gosh all mighty, you couldn’t have been more detailed on this one?  This could be an entire “Bedroom Blogs” in itself, lmfao.  Actually, with that being said, I’m going to do a very brief introduction on all of them, just in case I ever do decide to do an actual blog around all of them.  

Changmin:  Probably the best of them all.  And I’m not just saying because he has a great body.  I’m saying this because I feel that he’s into the super, duper freaky stuff.  And given the fact that he has a rock hard body years AFTER already completing his military service…well, I’m going to just leave your imagination to ponder on that little point.  Actually, no I’m not.  Especially since I’m about to say the following; I feel that Changmin would be a lot like Lee Stone in bed, but more charming, and less aggressive…and he doesn’t like his ass eaten.  Touched a little bit maybe, but not licked, or full on eaten.  And if you’re a minor, or your parents are around, do not google “Lee Stone” and see who pops up.  I’ll just tell you right now; juice head with a big, floppy dick, that kind of looks like an undersized banana.  

Jinwoon:  His smile should say it all.  He’s the really sweet type in bed.  I don’t know why exactly, but I see him as the type of guy that would be really happy as he’s having sex.  I think that he’d be constantly chuckling, or laughing, over something.  Not to the point where it gets annoying, but to the point where it shows that he’s enjoying himself and just happy to be around you.  He’s most definitely not a one night stand type of guy, and isn’t the type to initate sex, unless you are HEAVY with your hints.  If you’ve ever seen a Korean drama where the guy gets all “omo” during flirting, think of that, and you pretty much have that part figured out.  Now when it comes to pussy licking; Jinwoon is a candy licker.  A very, very happy candy licker.  And given that he’s not into one night stands, and you have to actually be with him in order to get some, just know that overall, you’ll be satisfied to be making love, and not having sex, for once.

Jo Kwon:  GO SPEED RACER!  GO SPEED RACER!  GO SPEED RACER, GO!!!  Nuff’ said.  And I don’t mean that in the means that he cums fast.  I mean that in the means that he has very precise and fast sex.  Even if you’re not into that type of thing, you’ll overall be satsfied if you get into the sack with him.  And honestly people, even though I don’t think that Jo Kwon would deny a guy if he actually admitted to falling in love with him, unless he legit didn’t like him, I don’t think that he’s gay.  I think that he actually loves women very much.  He just hides it well.  Ooh…I did not mean it like that!   I meant that in the means that he acts innocent, when on the inside, he loves him some black ass, caramel titties.  Yes people, he watches porn on his free time.

Seulong:  He’s quite long.  Yes ma’m.  Well, if you think six inches is long-esque.  Well..actually, he’s more like five and a half to six, but you get the point.  He has a very beautiful dick.  I presume that if any line in this blog is going to make you choke on your beverage, it’s probably that one.  But it’s true!  It’s very form fitting for his body, and may even make you smile.  And like the rest of the group, he will satisfy you.  More-so in the means of actual intercourse, since his head giving skills kind of suck, but still, he will satisfy you.  I mean, sure, he’d be a lot better at giving blow-jobs than licking pussy, but once he gets on top of you and you feel those abs as he snaps his hips into yours, you won’t even be able to say your ABC’s, let alone remember what a blowjob is.

So in the end; take your pick.  All of the members are quite good.

do his lips hurhur. do it do it chuuu kk:

Now even though the juvenile language of this question may confuse some of you readers, the person who asked this question wanted me to talk about Niel.  But as I started to form my thoughts, I almost forgot that Niel is in fact underage.  Now this is when the blog gets a little serious.  I have fun writing these blogs.  I really do, and I will answer nearly any question thrown towards me, as this blog proves, but I will not seriously write about anybody who is underage.  I feel like that would be extremely uncomfortable for me, and that doesn’t sit right with me.  I’m sorry reader, but out of respect for the artist, I cannot answer your question.

Do you think Taemin is gay?  And what size breasts do you think Hyori has?

Do I think Taemin is gay?  Honestly, no.  In fact, I don’t really think that any member of SHINee is gay.  Now some people can go all shifty eyed and say “but you ship JongKey,” but pretty much; that’s it.  I think that they’re like exceptions to each other, and that in the means of other guys, they wouldn’t want to be with anybody unless it was with each other.  And I am going to get flamed like hell for this, but honestly….I do not think 2Min is real.  I’m sorry, but I REALLY, REALLY don’t.  I could see them having sex, in a fanfiction type of way, but I don’t think that they’re honestly as real as JongKey is.  I’m going to leave it at that.

And in the means of Hyori’s boobs…They’re interesting things.  One minute she looks flat chested as fuck, and then the next minute she looks like she has a handful.  Honestly, I think that she knows the advantage of good bra’s and uses them to her advantage.  I would say that she’s either a mid C-cup, or a high B-cup.  I’m more so leaning towards the C-cup, but the B-cup makes more sense to me, since her boobs aren’t that big.  G.NA and Sunny have her beat in that department.

Enjoy until next week! 

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #9

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #9

Oh yeah…that’s right people; I’m back, and officially ready to put this blog back into the full effect that it should be for the ten people who used to read my weekly ventures into the world of idol sex.  Now even though this isn’t your usual Wet Wednesday, that you all may, or may not, have been looking forward to, I am here to steam up your Friday’s with the blog that all of my fangirl followers and outside readers have been looking forward to since my unexpected hiatus over two months ago.  And, trust me, even though some of you may be a bit disappointed with the choice of male meat for the week (wow, that kind of rhymed,) I hope to keep you all satisfied with the powers of my guruness.  Yes, I am a guru.  Get over it.  

Let’s get this long awaited return started, shall we?

Lips.  Gosh, those lips are like perfection sent from the Heaven’s above, crafted by the hands of Jesus Christ himself.  They’re like succulent pillows that you just want to rest your pussy on over, and over, and over, and over again until you just blackout like Rose almost did on top of that block of wood.  Though, to be quite honest, it would probably be extremely awkward if Jack had given her head right before he just died and shit…though it probably would have kept her warm, I’m not even going to lie.  Or would it be like…let me stop, that is so nasty.  Anyways, back to Luscious.  I mean…just think of it; those lips just caressing and kissing your lips until they’re tender and raw to the point where you feel like your heart is just going to erupt from your chest.  Pulling and nibbling on them as you moan in the purest of ecstasy; feeling the orgasm pushing out of you in waves of pleasure that match the intensities of Arctic waters as polar bears push their ways through them.  Hell, at that point, you’ll be so happy, via Zico’s head, that you’ll want to hug a polar bear…as he’s still giving you head.

And with that last statement being said, I would like you all to take note of one very important thing; 

If you were not a freak before you got with Zico, you will be one after.

Even if you’re one of those “oh my God, I would never do that,” girls, whose pretty much just a skinny, cock teasing, lying ass bitch, once his hands lie themselves on top of your waist, and you see the gleam of his teeth touching that glorious bottom lip, the juice inside of your pussy will start to flow like Niagra Falls.  All in all; you’re going to let him do whatever he wants to you, because the persuasion is just there.  When you look into his eyes and see the darkness of lust in them (PLEASE leave the damn vampire references out of this,) you will be trapped under his glare, even if you’re usually a dominating bedroomer who doesn’t take shit in any way, shape, or form.  So yes Ari, that means that Zico could have you wrapped around the width of his index finger, with ease.  Hell, Zico is so persuasive that, if he still had dreads, you would willingly allow him to stick one of them in your pussy.  And that is saying something, because dreads are nasty as shit.  But when he’s licking and pressing that tongue against your clit….well, let’s just say that all characteristics of humanity and standards will fly straight out of the window, along with your ability to breathe.

Now even though I’ve talked quite a bit about Zico’s oral skill, I want to go even further into the depths of exactly how skilled he is.  I also want to shock you guys a bit.  To be quite honest with you all…Zico is not a candy licker.  But the good thing is, he’s also not an ice-cream licker.  He is one of those very rare guys who can’t really be defined as either, and the reason for this is because he’s so reliant on his lips alone.  Let’s face it, Zico, on the inside, though sweet, gets a little cocky when he comes to sex.  He knows what his lips do to a woman, and more importantly, he knows how to use them to get what he wants.  For example, if he were to casually ask you out for ice-cream, best believe that once the two of you sit down, your eyes will be locked on nothing else except that spoon moving slowly in and out of his mouth in a repeated, yet precise pattern that will have you quivering in your chair.  And best believe that Zico WILL notice it, no matter how hard you try.

If you thought that Siwon was a sex god, and was truly amazing in casting a woman under his the spell of his wondrous, God given, body, then you haven’t seen anything yet.  Though Siwon is more smooth with it, a bit more subtle than you’d expect, Zico is just straight forward, and blunt.  This isn’t to say that if he wants to have sex with you, he’ll just out and say “let’s have sex.”  In fact, he will never, EVER tell you that he wants to have sex.  The things that he does, the kisses and nibbles to the neck in the morning, the massaging of your toes after you’ve had a warm bath, the stroking of your pussy as your trying to enjoy your chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP; all of it will be more than enough indication that he is ready for you, and that you two better head towards the most private spot as quick as possible.  Even if that particular spot happens to be the bathroom in IHOP, you won’t even generously give three seconds to care; you’ll just do it, because you’ll want him that badly.  And there really shouldn’t be that big of an issue there, since their bathrooms are shockingly REALLY clean.

But anyways, before I go on and on about why I love IHOP so much, let’s get back to the specifics of his skills in the department of oral.  Like I previously mentioned before, he’s not a candy licker, nor is he an ice-cream licker.  To give you an indication on what exactly he’s like, let me actually describe what the experience with him would be like, if you got the chance to spread your legs wide, like the wig span of an eagle, for him.  First, he’d look up at you with that baby face that, though will make you want to go “awww,” towards how cute he is, will have you frozen under his glare as the first flick of his tongue comes out.  This first flick may be quite sporadic in the means of hit-and-miss for you.  Though it is a large ninety-eight to two percent ratio, if he does it in the way that’s correct, and planned to his liking, you will honestly be on the edge of cumming all over his face within the next two licks.  But if, for some reason, it’s not as great as he may have expected it to be, most likely due to the fact that he concentrates on the right lip more than the left one, which is kind of awkward, it will honestly make you cringe a bit, for about three more licks, until that first kiss comes.  

The kissing is his strong point when it comes to sex.  Now obviously, given that I’ve talked about this numerous times; Zico has wondrous lips.  Perfect lips, in fact.  In comparison to Kikwang’s lips, which look like they’ve been stung by bees numerous times, “Animal Crossing” style, Zico’s are of perfect size and comforting softness that could almost put you into a dream-like sleep.  When the variations of kisses and licks come into play, expect him to kiss the lips, with occasional licks to them, and solely concentrate the tip of his tongue onto your clit.  He’s not as good of pussy licker as Rain, per-say, but he does secretly practice in his spare time, so take that as you will.  If you think it sounds lame, then honestly, the stick will be out of your ass instantly, because you will not give two shits about ANYTHING when he’s making you quiver, and moan, and recite random Korean pop bible scriptures that don’t even exist.  Hell, Zico’s head giving skills are so good that not only does he not need his fingers, but you will start singing “America the Beautiful” once your nearing the edge of your peak.  And the good thing about that awkwardness is that Zico is such a freak that he won’t give a damn.  In fact, he’ll probably slap your ass and cheer you on to the next verse, AS he continues to give you head.

Now, though you think that the freakiness would transfer over into his thrusting skills…unfortunately, it doesn’t.  He’s average, to put it in simple context.  He’s never bad, by any means, but he’s just not as good as you would expect him to be, especially after he’s just licked your pussy for about twenty minutes non-stop.  Oh, and if you’re wondering, in the means of blowjobs, it’s not necessary for him.  Though he would appreciate it if you give, most likely after you received, it doesn’t really matter for him.  I will say this as a quick note though; during quickies, just suck him off if you want dick.  If you let him lick your pussy, you’ll come very quickly, and covering your hand over your mouth will not help to subdue the sounds that will come out of your mouth.

Now back to his thrusting.  Like I said, he’s not as bad as let’s say…Nichkhun, but it doesn’t truly satisfy you in the way that you would want it to.  I advise that when you guys do get into the nitty gritty of things, start with doggystyle, as that’s the position when he’s at his best.  Cowgirl position (girl on top for those of you pretending to be innocent…and yet you’ve read this far,) is yet another great alternative, since you can then take control and, pretty much, do what you want to.  The position is also good for him, since he likes his girls to take charge, and once he really gets into it, he’ll start naturally thrusting up, and those are the thrusts that will have you choking in the attempts to grab a hold of any bit of air that you can.  He also LOVES spanking, so if you’re not into that type of thing, trap his hands above his head and take those lips as yours again.  And next up is the most important thing; the ending.

Sixty…nine.  That is all that needs to be said, really.  But honestly, you guys know me way too well, and you know that I cannot keep my mouth shut when it comes to these these things.  As you can all indicate by this entire blog post, oral is going to be key in your experience with Zico, and when ending things, it’s best to go with the best, so lay your ass on top of his face and let him go to town.  Honestly, it doesn’t even matter what you do with his dick, because hearing you on top of him losing it will be enough for him to lose it, regardless of whether you stroke him off, or full on give him the best blowjob that he’s ever had in his life.  All in all; though he’s not sensitive or doesn’t care about your feelings if you’re a one night stand per-say, he’s going to make sure that you are fully satisfied so that you can return the favor, potentially in more ways than just one.  Though you may find that to be a bit manipulative, or even a bit off-putting, when you see that glare…like I have repeatedly said over the course of this return;

You won’t give two shits about anything.

Side note:  In case you guys were wondering, Zico’s dick….yeah….let’s just say it kind of fits the stereo-type, in a way.  [/Leaves before I get stoned.]

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #8

Hmm…writing another edition of “Bedroom Blogs” on a half empty stomach, as I sit here in a very somber, yet relaxing, mood…let’s see how well this really goes…

I am seriously praying that most of you have already seen this picture by now, and haven’t passed out and ate it like that one chick on “Top Model,” who damn near cracked her head open on the floor a few years back.  But for those of you who actually did (even though you more than likely can’t even read this right now, due to the internal bleeding and memory loss,) I highly advise that you save your lawsuit for another day and another time, because, to be quite frank, it’s not my fault that you can’t control your hormones, or the God given ability to control the gravity of your desktop, and/or bean bag chair…though I would think that it’s nearly impossible to legitimately fall out of a bean bag chair, unless you are a legitimate clutz when it comes to everyday life.  But anyways, moving on from the clumsy characteristics of hornballed fangirls, who will likely have to prepare for an awkward conversation with their parents, explaining why exactly they passed out on the floor, let’s move on to the real topic of the week; “BEDROOM BLOGS!”  Now, in case some of you are wondering, the reason why there wasn’t an eigth edition of “Bedroom Blogs” last week is because, to be quite honest, I had no idea what to write about.  I’m the type of person who cannot write anything unless I am in the mood to do so, which is why it takes ages for me to update nearly anything.  Whether it’s weekly blogs, fanfictions, or even tweets on Twitter (though those aren’t necessary to update,) it takes me quite a while to get things rolling, in the means of writing, especially when I have writer’s block, which I tend to get to the highest degree when I’m infected with the dastardly little bug.  But also take note of the fact that when I do finally end up updating something, after weeks or months of not doing so, it ends up being, at the least, in moderate quality as to what you would expect out of me.  I never want to feel forced to write something, especially something that I find to be fun, and with the last edition “Bedroom Blogs” that I wrote, the one about Yunho, Changmin, and Jaejoong, I felt like it was kind of forced.  So with that being said, I wanted to take a little break to re-evaluate some things and get things back on track to the fun “oh my Lord, I cannot believe he just said that” times.  But alas, I am back, so let’s proceed on with the nooks and crannies of my fucked up brain, shall we?

No, seriously people, please realize that I am not paying for your medical bills if you pass out, because seriously, if you’re that sexually frustrated, you need to buy a dildo…why the hell do I always subliminally try to convince people to buy dildo’s each week?  But anyways, moving on, let us begin our one sided conversation on this rippled, Asian Tarzan goodness of statuesque being before us, shall we?  Hmm…where to begin, where to begin?  Shall I start with the abs?  The hair?  The smile?  Hmm…where, oh where, shall this mind take me?  Hmm…honestly, this is quite a tough one, since there’s so much to discuss, so with that being said, I’ll just start off by talking about penis, since it’s amusing, and generally what gets the train tracks in my brain rolling, if that makes sense to any of you reading.  Whenever I look at Taeyang’s Calvin Klien’s, I can’t help but think “hmm…sexy,” among other things that may, or may not, get me sent to jail.  But as I dig deeper into the thoughts, and past the cloud of sexy, mirage-esque, illusion, I come to realize something that may, or may not, shock some of the many fangirls that have over ten folders of pictures dedicated to him on their laptops.  Taeyang…sadly…isn’t that big.  On a penis scale of one to ten, he’s around…a three.  Now that’s not to say that he’s three INCHES, per-say, but it’s more-so a three in the means that you’re expecting greatness, with a new car/poutporri scent, but, in reality, you end up with a “WOMP, WOMP, WOMP,” alarm being set off, internally, within your mind.  And trust me people, this “womp, womp, womp” is not one of the amusing 1940’s silent comedy film type, because this is sex and dick we’re talking about.  And given that sex and dick are two serious matters…we should all just hold each other and cry at this moment in time.  To reveal an accurate size, Taeyang is only around five and a half to six inches long, with a three to five inch girth, and a pleasant soap smell to his shaft, primarily the lower ends of his head.  So even though he’s an average sized male (though small to those who actually want big dicks,) at least the heavenly smell that emmits from his dick will cause you to bring fourth one of those creepy cackles that some people get when they smell something really good.  You know, the ones where you lean in to the crook of the guy’s neck, or sniff the air heavily, and then your eyes roll to the back of your head, involuntarily and, without even knowing sometimes, you let out a “…..HHHHHHHAAAAHAAAAAAAA” type of noise, in a shaky and sporatic tempo?  It’s quite a scary event, but hey, it’s happened to the best of us before, including myself yesterday when I realized that I had Old Spice body spray in a random bag in my room…oh that smelled good.

But anyways, moving away from my sudden love for Old Spice, let’s also move away from Taeyang’s odor, and into another topic of discussion that VIP’s are going to want me to go into great detail for; his sex game.  Now we’ve all seen Taeyang dance at least once before in our lives, so it’s not really a shocker that some of our minds, mine included, instantly direct themselves towards that black and white gif of him pleasing the floor into Mr. Clean shininess.  But the question that needs to be proposed is the following; can he do the same thing to a woman?  To put it very simply, for now, the answer is “yes.”  But don’t praise the Lord just yet ladies, because there’s one thing about Taeyang that you all should know;

The virgin thing….yeah, that’s not exactly a lie.

Now, like myself when I first heard of his being a virgin, some of you may be giving this blog the biggest “bitch please” look that you have ever given something in your life, but let me go on to explain what exactly I mean, because it’s not precisely a “what you see is what you get” type of deal, when it comes to the previously stated, lone, sentence.  What I mean by the fact that “the virgin thing isn’t a lie” is that, in the means of actual bedroom activity, he is a virgin.  Now there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s ALMOST gone all of the way with a girl, in the means that they had both gotten down to their underwear, but she stopped him in a typical teenage drama fashion that goes along the lines of “wait…I’m not ready yet,” which then causes him to have to forcefully please his erection until it is finally relieved of all sexual tension (which still remains for about three hours after she fell asleep.)  But alas, when it comes to actually sticking and licking pussy; Tae doesn’t have much full-on experience.  Though, for some reason, I do see him as being a half a virgin, in the means that he’s licked pussy before, but has never received head.  Anyways, ignoring that not fully thought out idea, let me just give you all a bit of advice when it comes to Tae;

Don’t let the dancing hypnotize you too much.

Because even though he may dance, grind, and body wave as if he knows exactly what he’s doing, in all reality, he’s going to need a little bit of help when push actually comes to shove, since he’s pretty much clueless as to what it really takes to please a woman.  Honestly, as you can probably tell by his shy exterior, he’s actually quite nervous when it comes to going all of the way.  He won’t end up being like the said woman who will nervously shy away from fully going all of the way.  He’ll be fully into it, and he’ll be ready, but he’ll be really, really nervous when the action is about to begin.  Now this is where the work from you comes in.  And shut up with your naggy groans and eye rolls, because YES BITCHES, YOU DO HAVE TO DO WORK!  And “work” in this case, means that you have to comfort him.  Now I’m not talking about a comfort in which you would apply to a baby, though some of you pedodongsaeng’s would love to do so, I presume.  What I mean by “comfort” is looking into his eyes as you stroke his shaft, testing out different pressure points of your tongue against his head in order to really feel out what he likes, and most of all, arguably THE most important bit, soft touches and pleasing moans that let him know that what he’s doing is the right thing.

All in all, you’re going to need honesty if you’re going to be with Taeyang, because, as it was previously implied, he is really shy, which is something that you can tell even as he’s kissing you.  Now this doesn’t mean that he’s a bad kisser, by any means, though he is only at a “decent” line, but, to put it simply, he’s going to do a lot of test work with your lips in order to see what you enjoy.  So with that being said, during foreplay, expect a lot of moving, and fingers travelling over your body, and remember; moan when he’s hit a sensitive place, and direct him gently towards the place where you’d like for him to please you.  Taeyang is definitely not a man who would ever, EVER just force himself onto a woman, so you’re really going to have to be silently vocal about what you want.  Now I say “silently vocal” because, as you may or may not be able to tell due to his exterior look, Taeyang can tend to get confused easily.  And also take note that when you mutter one suggestion, or ask him something, about three more questions will arise out of it, even if it’s the most simple suggestion or question.  So if you’re the type who tends to get annoyed at talking during sex, then I would suggest that you keep your mouth shut, unless it is absolutely necessary that you have say something.  But then again, it’s not precisely just annoying, mindless talk that comes out of him.  He just wants to make sure that he’s not making you uncomfortable, so that should bring some ease to the heart before the heart pounding in your chest begins.

What I mean by the previous line of “heart pounding in your chest” is one of the central bits of sexual activity for any couple, one night stand, or prom baby in the making; pussy licking.  I am pleased to inform you all that Tae is, without a doubt in my mind, a Candy Licker.  But interestingly enough, and something that I find to be quite funny, he’s a Candy Licker by accident.  He’s too lazy to just stick his tounge out, like a cow, and just go over your pussy like sand paper (I apologize for that disgusting thought,) and due to his inexperienced nature, he’s going to want to be sure to make sure that the tip of his tongue travels over every area of you until he gets that one loud moan that he’s looking for.  With this expedition of a woman that he’s never been with before, comes the gift of what nearly every woman wants out of a man in the sheets; good pussy licking.  I don’t really see him as the type that’ll use fingers, unless you tell him to (and by all means, do,) but when he does, it’ll bring this candy sensation into a deeper level of Candy Land than you’ve ever thought was possible.  Now, for a new segment of “Bedroom Blogs,” I would like to introduce the different types of finger..er’s that a man can potentially be.  This would be the time to move to another room, especially if you tend to laugh at the things that I happen to say;

1.  The Stratcher:  This is the type of man that you want to avoid at all costs.  Not because he will actually scratch your pussy like it’s an actual cat or something like that, though some guys are stupid enough to actually do that shit during rough sex, but because of the fact that one, he’ll be moving in the most awkward directions inside of you, and way too fast I’ll add, and two, he will be in DIRE need of having his nails clipped.  Now I’m not a woman, so I don’t know whether or not nails actually have a part in the preparation for fingering, but let’s just say this; pornstars, even when they have their nails done, never have them EXTREMELY long, and I have never in my life seen a sharp dildo before.  If those two things aren’t indications of the potential importance of nails to a pussy, then I don’t know what could possibly be, to be quite honest.

2.  The Jack Rabbit:  Now these…[Lois Griffin voice] THESE are the men that you wanna fuck!  [Regular voice] These are the men that will you have your head banging repeatedly against the headboard of your bed, but here’s the glorious thing about it; you won’t even give a fuck because of how good he feels inside of you.  The technique with these men is conventional, and simple, but it takes a pro in order to do it right.  What they do is they first stick their entire index finger into their mouth, and rub it around your clit until a cold sensation, that will cause you to shiver and gasp, takes over your entire body.  And given that these will be circular motions, your mind will be running wild at the thought.  What they do after is stick the index finger in, and start going at a slower pace, like the lowest setting of a fan, but even slower.  They’ll twist their fingers inside of you, as they continue to thrust in and out, and will feel around for your sweet spot, that they’ll find at around the two minute mark, before sticking the second finger in.  And once the second finger is in…brace yourself, because this is when the headbanging begins.  Everything will seem normal at first, like it did with just the index finger, but take note that the middle finger just so happens to be longer than the index finger.  So once he’s found your sweet spot with the index, just imagine what he’s going to do with his middle finger.  These are the type of men, I will note, that will make you cum just by using his fingers.  He’s more experted here than with his tounge, so mentally prepare yourself when you find such a man.

3.  The Average:  These are just the average guys.  They stick the fingers in, hit certain spots on occasions, but other than that, they’re kind of boring.  They’re like the Nichkhun’s of fingering; nothing special.  Hottests’, if you don’t know what I mean about this, ask box me, and I will be more than happy to send you Nichkhun’s particular edition of “Bedroom Blogs.”

Now, as you all may be able to tell due to my indepth description of number two, Taeyang is, hands down, a Jack Rabbit.  What this man can do with his fingers will blow your mind to a point where you will start singing “Wedding Dress,” as you praise the Lord with your eyes closed.  I’m not even going to lie when I say that your hand may raise, on its own, towards the Heaven’s as he is moving in and out of you.  I guarantee that, no matter how you may feel about fingering, you will DEMAND it out of him every time that you two have a quickie in the future, because, like every other man on the planet, he is into quickies.

Now let us proceed to move away from the oral fixation of this blog, and move on towards what you’re all, most likely, curious about; the thrusting.  Now, in order to get a really good perspective as to how good Taeyang is in bed, let me just ask a few rhetorical questions;

1.  Have you ever watched Cinemax really late at night?

[If you answered “yes” proceed to question two.]

2.  Have you ever noticed that they play softcore porn past midnight, nearly every night?

[If you answered “yes” proceed to question three.]

3.  Have you ever stopped and actually watched one of these softcore porno’s?

[If you answered “yes” proceed to question four…which you all should.]

4.  As you were watching the said sofcore porno, did you notice the one guy who actually knew what he was doing and rolled his body into waves that even Sistar can’t do?

If you have answered “yes” to all of the questions asked, you have a pretty decent outlook on how good Taeyang is in bed.  The difference between Tae and these particular men though, are the fact that one, Taeyang’s penis is actually inside of the woman’s vagina, and two, he won’t have you flipped into insane positions as he has you melted into a moaning and groaning mess in the middle of the bed and fingers.  Yes, it is true that Taeyang is good in bed, but in order for the truly good stuff to begin, there must be a process that’s met, and, unfortunately, this process includes unknowing and, quite frankly, uncomfortable thrusts.  But, as it was stated before, this is where the vocalness of sexual activity comes into play.  When things are starting to get a little too uncomfortable for your liking, grab his ass, and physically move him to where you want him to go.  It’ll stall the rhythm for a while, but trust that it is one-hundred percent worth it, unless you would rather deal with having to settle for pleasure-less thrusting for the next ten minutes, give or take.  And for those of you who are really active thinker’s during “Bedroom Blogs,” no, the fact that you grabbed his ass will not startle him.  Taeyang is the type of man who is open to all sorts or pleasure (yes, that includes anal,) so a little grabbing of the ass, especially if you have nails, isn’t going to bother him in the slightest, especially if you do it as he’s hitting your spot.  He’s the type of man who feeds off of a woman’s moans, and needs them in order to plan out his pace of thrusting, and other elements of sexual activity.  So with that being said, I would advise that you get a little creative during your first time with him.  Try out numerous positions, especially girl on top, and see what really gets you both off, since you’ll both, obviously, be wanting to come back for more.  And for a couple of fun facts, let me just note that his sweet spots are his abs, his ass, his sides, and (oddly enough) his hair.  Never, and I mean NEVER grip any of these spots with hardness, unless it’s his ass.  What you want to do with these spots is run your fingers delicately over them.  This will bring about a new height of sexual pleasure (God that sounded so professional) for both you and him.  It’s best to do this when you’re both riding out your orgasm, but if you believe in the pull-out method, be sure that he’s out of you before you do so, because I would hate for the little drop of cum to be the one that brings little Taeyang Jr. into the world…though I wouldn’t exactly mind seeing a little pimped out baby with mega abs, black sunglasses, and a black mohawk…especially if he came out that way.

HOLLER!

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #7

“Luv luv luv these bedroom blogs : ) How about some dbsk for next week.

More specifically Yunho Jaejoong and Changmin. I can never figure out what those three are into. They are so undercover with everything but I know one of them has to be a little bit freaky. There is just to much control going on they have to let loose somewhere and I think its in the boudoir.”

Well thank you random anon for being the only one who actually ask boxed me something for this week’s blog.  In appreciation for doing such, and wording your ask box comment so well, your request shall be granted, with the upmost of pleasure.  I thank you very much…whoever you are.  This week I shall be introducing a new concept within the wacky world of “Bedroom Blogs” that shall not only go hand-in-hand with the anon’s request, but will also make things a lot easier on me…because in case you haven’t noticed, I am typing this at the last minute, yet again.  This said concept is something that I like to call “Bedroom Blogs Report Cards.”  Schnazzy name, no?  And another great, and schnazzy, thing about this particular week is that not only will one man be talked about this week, but THREE!  THAT’S THREE TIMES THE DICK PEOPLE! Yes, that’s right Cassie’s, be ready to rejoice, because Yunho, Jaejoong, AND Changmin will be my topics for the week, and I have to say, I am going to have a LOT of fun with this one.  I feel frisky already, hee hee.  Now let’s get to grading, shall we?  Well..I already have my slutty school teacher uniform on anyways, so we might as well, right?  And no, I will not take a fucking selca Carlie!

Who better to start with than our resident “Sexy Tarzan Leader,” Jung Yunho?  Please hold back on the sarcastic comments of naming other DBSK members, or members of SHINee, because I am not trying to hear it at the moment, and SHINee will not be included in “Bedroom Blogs” for a while, because those five are the one’s I REALLY have to go in depth with.  Anyways, in order for me to start naming off Yunho’s sexual characteristics, I must first explain what exactly a “Bedroom Blogs Report Card” is.  Actually, it’s basically exactly what you would think it is; a report card that slaps grades their numerous stages of sexual activity.  Now please note that these report cards will not be as thoroughly discussed as our usual “Bedroom Blogs,” so I apologize in advance if some questions you may have are not exactly answered…well, actually, no I don’t, because I told you bitches to send questions, and you didn’t, a.k.a YOUR FAULT!  Though Ari, I still have your back with Lee Minho.  Anyways, there IS a good thing about less detail in these, that being that these men can, and more than likely will, be featured in future “Bedroom Blogs” to come.  Actually, with how my thinking is going right now, one of them may be next week’s featured stud…LMFAO, THAT JUST SOUNDED LIKE I BLOG FOR SOME LAME GAY PORN WEBSITE!  BAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!  Anyways, to get back on the topic of my mind, in case you haven’t noticed by now, it’s quite a…spazzy human being, so who knows what it could possibly come up with next.  Now with that being said, let’s get to our first student, shall we?  And please take note that grades run from A to F.

Foreplay:  C

Okay, now some of you may feel a little bit on the “EH’ side when you see the grade, or may even be questioning why I’m giving him this said grade; so let me explain.  Yunho, in the overall sense…and I hate, hate, hate to say this…is not a good lay…I mean, AT ALL!  I’m going to go further into detail on this during the later portions of the blog, but the main reason why he isn’t that great is because he is what I like to call “The Baby Maker.”  If you’re thinking in your mind that such a nickname sounds really lame, that’s because the people given the nickname ARE lame, in the means of the sack.  Yes, Yunho is one of the best male dancers in kpop, THE best in my eye’s, but that doesn’t exactly mean that those moves translate well into the bedroom…except for “KEEP YOUR HEAD DOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!”  Now THAT is something that would entertain me in more ways than one.  I mean, just picture it.  The girl’s giving him head, right, and then she looks up to see whether he likes it, and he just slams her head back down and a random deep voice just belts out “KEEP YOUR HEAD DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!”  LMFAO, it could be like Omek from “Legends of the Hidden Temple!”  [Calms down] But anyways, as I was saying before, the moves don’t exactly translate well into the bedroom, and if you need an example, then look straight towards Taeyang.  Yes, I am calling him out on his bullshit [POINTS TO THE ABS,] and I aslo think I just found my topic for next week.  Wait a minute…hold on a second…[thinks for a second] no, wait, I’ve got it right.  Raping a floor well doesn’t necessarily mean that you could pound a bitch well.  He can hit the spot, but…okay, I’m getting off topic again.  But yeah, anyways, Yunho’s foreplay…it kinda stinks, and I’m being generous with that wording.  I mean, yeah, his kisses feel pretty good on a 1:4 ratio, and he does touch you in a delicate manner sometimes…but he is WAY too fucking inexperienced.  I am telling you all right now, having sex with Yunho, even the pre-sex, will feel like your first time all over again, and I do not mean that in a good way.  I would honestly rather read a fucking magazine with my ass on top of a cactus then to have to go through that shit.  Hell, I would rather…you know what, I was going to say “I’d rather watch Kat Stacks fuck some random rapper,” but this bitch is so infected with STD’s that her crabs surf the air like Pikachu does water.  SHE.IS.NA-STY!

Kisses:  D+

There is just…waaaaay too much lip pressure here.  To put his kisses into basic perspective, think of the kisses that you see on drama’s.  And I don’t mean the kisses that happen AFTER the big one, or the cute pecks to the lips that make you squeal; I mean the big one.  The one that you have waited the entire show to see, only to be dissapointed in the end because you thought that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t end up looking as if the guy is raping the girl’s mouth in a highly involuntary manner.  But alas, it did, and with Yunho in your bed, your mouth will feel raped, and never want to feel the softness of anything else.  Unless you can easily take over the reigns and whip him into your position, which would actually anger him since Yunho is the type of man who HAS to be in control, a.k.a the “man,” during sex, your makeout sessions are not going to be anything of note worthy.  It is actually breaking my fucking heart that I am typing this.  Such a beautiful man with such… chauvinistic sexual skill.  What the f dude?  By the way, that “+” was me being generous.  Yunho is a bonified “D,” so don’t get your hopes up that the grade will be bumped up because of some extra credit…which, now that I think about it, would probably have to be something along the lines of screwing the author, which I would not allow to happen.  I’m sorry, but just…no, I can’t.  Even if I’m wearing a slutty teacher’s uniform right now, I still have standards, and my heart belongs to Fei and Tila.  

Pussy licking:  C+

Now in this case, he actually knows a teeny bit about what he’s doing…okay, not really, that was a total lie.  He’s completely oblivious as to what a fucking pussy even is (over-dramatic much,) BUT the joy that you will feel during those little jolts of pleasure won’t be from his tongue, which, I guarantee, is going to feel like a dog sandpapering the shit out of you, but from his lips.  In case you haven’t noticed, Yunho has sexy lips of a decent, and unique, size.  Now in case you all didn’t catch on, that was a silent jab at Kikwang in that last sentence, because I will never in my life understand how his damn lips can be THAT big.  Seriously, it looks like he got stung by a fucking wasp and never got that shit treated.  But at the same time, Kikwang can make a bitch burst like a shaken bottle of Sprite, so you can’t really diss him on that.  Did you guys just see that?  How I just went from speaking blandly about Yunho to speaking passionately about Kikwang?  If that’s not an indication on how his pussy licking skills are, then I don’t know what else I could say, to be quite frank.  And by the way, he’s an ice-cream licker with bubble gum eyes.  He’s a Spongebob Square Pants Ice-Cream Bar Licker, if you will.

Thrusts:  B-  

This is the portion of the blog where I give Yunho a little credit.  Even though he is a bad lay, one that will actually make you cry at how bad he is, he does have his little moments where he can turn it out.  I would highly reccomend that you try doggy style with him, though I am telling you right now that you will have to persuade him, because like I said before, he likes to be in charge of the situation, so missionary is what you’ll be spending seven agonizing minutes doing, since Yunho lasts around that much time, to be quite frank.  I wasn’t kidding when I said that he’s a baby maker.  Not at all.  Your sex will be a YAWN fest with him.  So that is why his final grade IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS;

Final Grade:  C-

Awww, look at the cute little baby…who you just want to tie to the bed and rape until he cries tears of undeniable pleasure, escapes from your house eventually, runs naked past your mother, as she wonders why there is a random asian man in her home, run back to SM Entertainment, cry for a little bit on his dorm bed, and then smile because he realizes that he just popped his cherry and really, really liked it.  Overall, it will be a willing type of rape that he won’t be aware of at the moment in time.  Let’s go into further detail before I say something that’s going to get me arrested;

Foreplay:  B

Changmin…is hot.  There’s no doubt about that, so right off the bat, when you’re going into the process of getting it on, you’re definitely going to be a little heated, especially when you see that cute smile of his turn into a look of pure lust, want, and desire that you only thought was possible in intense episodes of “Degrassi” or the good Lifetime movies.  That first kiss…I am telling you right now, your heart is going to stop.  Unlike punk ass Tarazan [glares at Yunho,] this is a re-imagining of your first time that you are actually going to enjoy, and remember for the rest of your life.  He’ll be a little nervous, due to not knowing what exactly you like, and he’ll feel a bit like he’s a complete dumbass when it comes to these types of things, so direct him to where you want him to go, and he’ll take care of the rest.  Don’t judge a book by its cover, because though Chang may not be the most aggressive and fun when it comes to the actual fucking, the tender kisses, rubbing, and caresses are what’s going to make you a repeated offender.  In case you didn’t get that reference, read the above paragraph.

Kisses:  A

They’re perfect.  Seriously, I am actually thankful that I’m not going that in depth with these guys this week, because otherwise, I would not be able to get this done before midnight due to Changmin’s kisses alone.  I mean, I could literally type three paragraphs, at the LEAST about them.  They’re just…[fans self] I need to compose myself, oh my God.  I fucking cried for the first time in a number of years today, and now I am legit flushed over someone who I never used to pay that much mind to.  What is going on with the world today?!  Yeah…just…let your imagination run wild on that one.  I need a cold compress.

Pussy Licking:  A-

In similar likes to Yunho, his lips will be like the red that merges with your white in order to create a beautiful, sensational, eye-popping color of pink.  Yes people, I did just have to get symbolistic there, because, with a little instruction and direction, this man will know what the fuck he’s doing.  Oh, but word of caution; warm him if you’re about cum on his face.  Because he will be a little turned off by that.  It won’t really throw off the mood, at least for you since you’ll be blacked out by then, but he’ll be internally “wtf’ing” when he feels additonal wetness sticking his bangs to the front of his forehead, one that ISN’T his own sweat, since he does sweat a lot during “love-making”.  Ugh, I fucking hate that term…especially when the soap stars say it.  ”Make love to me Ethan…”  SHUT THE FUCK UP THERESA!  God damn, I loved her, but just…nooo!!!  Anyways, it’ll be an awkwardness that you won’t even notice…and that you will definitely not have to edit out of the sextape when you send it to me.  Seriously though, if any of you end up fucking idols, I want my fucking tapes.  I am entitled, and my diva stare and shrug just proves that I am dead ass serious when I say this.  

TEST

ME

IF

YOU

WANT

TO!

Thrusts:  A

SHOCKINGLY, OH MY GOD, SHOCKING-FUCKING-LY…HE…CAN…FUCK!  Like…I am legit shocked right now.  If he gets you into missionary position…it will….[falls on the floor.]  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  I am not even kidding right now, I thought that Jaejoong would be the star of this blog, but now that I think of it more and more, Changmin is a fucking ninja when it comes to this stuff.  He reminds me a bit of Taemin; seemingly innocent and so damn cute on the outside, but once they get you alone, in a dark room, with the door locked and closed, your pussy will be swollen like a fucking Arby’s roast beef sandwhich by the time that he is through with you.  This man’s thrusts can send you to the ICU faster than a sex glare from T.O.P….okay, that’s a lie.  Because we all know that the moment that T.O.P. glares at us, we are fucking dead.  I’m a fanboy and I am saying, without a bit of shame, that if he were to walk by me in the airport and give me that angry, “I need sleep,” glare, I would pass out directly on top of my mother, scream like Jada Pinkett Smith did in “Kingdom Come,” and continue to spazz on the floor as my heart bled to death.  I mean…[crying] it would be so beautiful.

Final Grade:  A

Just…fuck him.  Fuck him hard until the fucking bed breaks.  I am demading such an action out of you.

Just…[points to the lips.]  That is all.  No introduction needed.   Just…[melts into the floor.]  

Foreplay:  A

I am telling you all right now; his touches will give you goosebumps, have your stomach tightened like a too-small belt around a fat girls waist, and your heart ready to jump out of your fucking chest and scream “HOO-AH” Busta Rhymes style.  The way that his hands will travel over your legs and stomach will cause you to completely ignore the fact that his nails are manicured ten times better than yours will ever be.  But then again, if you really are concerned with his nails as he’s touching you, you obviously are a heartless bitch with no emotions whatsoever, because how you could NOT be into Jaejoong…I honestly don’t understand.

Kisses:  A

Just…[points to the lips.]  That is all that I can do without passing out.  The images that are going through my mind are just…[singing] too beautiful for words!  I mean…they’re just…aaah, do I even need to say anything right now?  They’ll be like smores…so sweet and heavenly with an outline of addiction to the them.  Your heart will seriously be spilling fluid in your body every time that his lips touch any portion of your body.   I mean…ladies, no joke, this man is a God.  I almost want to name him “Joongsus.”  He is THAT good.

Pussy Licking: A

Yet again, words cannot describe how good it will actually feel.  Like, legit, Jaejoong is the best of the best.  I’m not going to say that he’s at the peak of the mountain when it comes to men in kpop, but he is pretty damn close.  His looks and glares are the epitome of “bad boy rocker whose lips you just want to jam against your pussy,” and no woman on the planet can dare deny this because it’s as obvious as day.  I mean [points up] FUCKING LOOK AT HIM!  Are you really going to deny the fact that he would tease the shit out of your clit until you ended up shaking like Beyonce did in the “Deja Vu” video or like the crazy “GOD, ARE YOU NOT GOD” lady that became tumblr famous yesterday?  If you dare to do so…you need to be hunted down.  That’s all I’m going to say, because this man…I need time to actually come up with words.

Thrusts: A

If you thought his licking was good…[throws in the towel] I can’t.  I cannot do this anymore.  Just…keyboard smash and let your imagination run wild.  The fact that, of ALL people, am speechless, should really say something about him.  It really fucking should.  Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, his dick is seven inches, very light, and is the girth of a banana.  

Final Grade:  A

ONE OF THE ULTIMATE KPOP FUCKERS OUT THERE!  Yet so impossible to get…

Author’s Note:

[Cheesy newscaster voice] Do you have any ideas for upcoming editions of “Bedroom Blogs?”  Would you like to make a request, or ask a question, or make a comment that may turn into a full blown blog?  Well if so, contact my ask box, and your perverted fangirlness may be merged into something of vast entertainment.  [Regular voice] But I’m gonna say this; if knetizens ever see this, you all do NOT know me.  My name is Ronqueesha Williams as far as you know.  

HOLLER!

I seriously need a “holler” banner.

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #6

…[Sighs and crackles knuckles.]  Allright people…we have now entered the exhibition of “Bedroom Blogs” that may truly get me into HUGE trouble if I ever really go to South Korea in the future…I…[gulps] will be talking about a woman today.  And let me just follow up with a very quick side note; if any of you bitches seriously just stopped reading this because of that fact, you can kiss my royal ass.  And yeah, me and SHINee’s Key have the same body shape, so take that how you will.  [Sighs] Anyways, like I was previously stating, before I got a little bi-polar and my EYE STARTED STINGING, I will be talking about a woman.  Now originally, when I thought of “women” and “Bedroom Blogs” in the same sentence, I always thought of SNSD’s Tiffany.  She was actually a strong contender to be the featured idol in “Bedroom Blogs Week #5,” but I saw this certain picture of Tabi in a suit, and my heart took over my body, and made my mind up for me.  And thank God it did, because…[smiles] that was a very nice edition to write.  [Shakes head] But anyways, let’s move on to our FIRST FEMALE REVEALED, SHALL WE?!

That’s right people, I’m going straight for the big dog here.  I’ve been quite subtle with the choice of men that I’ve taken on, though Rain, Junhyung, and TOP have arguably been the biggest ones (literally,) but I’m going right for the gold with the ladies.  The being that you see before you is the undeniable epitome of “girl crush,” and can only be defined as “the one who will forever have you questioning your sexuality.”  Sure, some may want to argue with my statement by saying that “TIFFANY IS PRETTIER THAN HER,” or “PARK BOM MAKES HER LOOK LIKE A PIG,” but you cannot doubt, for one second, that there is one woman within kpop who could turn straight, or bi-sexual, women into lesbians faster than Amber could.  Hell, the only competition that she has is Lee Hyori, because trust me, I know of THOUSANDS of women, some of whom are reading this in fact, who would turn lesbian for her in a hearbeat…myself included, I am not going to lie.  My fingers would be like a moth to the delectable flame that is her pussy…[smiles] such a beautiful, beautiful image, I must say.  And I can bet money right now that this is an image that most of you want, and desire, to have whenever you think of our tomboyish sexpot Amber.  I mean, seriously, have you SEEN this woman?  Seriously, look at her.  And check this out;

Now I want all of you to look at that picture for twenty seconds straight.  Done?  Okay good.  Now, and here’s where a bi-polar moment comes in; I DARE one of you to have the disrespecting nerve to tell me, directly into my eyes, that if you saw her at a club, a regular club with low lights and neon signs, got trapped right into the center of her sex glare, and saw her look you up and down, as she licked her lips in a delectable manner, that you would not willingly ALLOW her to pin you up against the nearest bar, slide her right hand slowly down your stomach, caressing the skin that is hidden by your jeans, and finger your pussy, or stroke your dick for the five guys that are reading, until you started shaking like an earthquake was occuring directly under the damn club.  And seriously, even though I know that some women have legit orgasms like that, the faker’s have REALLY got to stop doing that.  We know you’re faking, so find another technique that hasn’t been used in a Jenna Haze movie that didn’t have a black man in it…you know, since black men seem to refuse to want to lick her pussy.  I don’t know why though.  I mean, I’d be chewing on that shit like it was bubble gum…not really, but you see that reference there?  CANDY!

And that’s where Amber comes back into the picture.  See people, I’m getting better at staying on track.  Amber’s new hairstyle for “Pinnochio” was no mistake, nor was naming the album after a mythilogical being from your childhood.  Because I am here to inform all of you right now that Amber is the Willy Wonka of kpop pussy lickers.  Now even though there are some unexpected champs who could go down on you just as good, like Tiffany and Hyori for example, Amber is the queen of pussy, no dobut.  The way that she’ll take care of you will make you feel like your pussy’s staying in a five star hotel for a few nights, and enjoying a delicious breakfast with clean cut pork sasuage.  It’ll make you feel like you’re flying through the air like Madonna in her video for “Like A Prayer.”  Hell, Amber’s pussy licking skills are so fucking on point that you WILL be saying a prayer as she’s doing so.  You will be crying to Jesus and BEGGING him to eliminate the characteristic of death from life.  Your hands will be up in the air, as your eyes are closed, and you would honestly think that you would be feeling the holy ghost more than a ghetto black woman at a baptist church.  And yes, I do mean the one’s who literally fall on top of the floor crying in those big ass hats and those stockings, that they KNOW they do not need to be wearing in ninety-five degree weather.  I’m lookin at you Sister Jones…God I pray that there is not a Sister Jones at my grandmother’s church.

Anyways, yeah, Amber…Lord Jesus, she’s better than some of the men.  She’ll tease the shit out of your clit (yes, she’s a teaser, so be prepared to be frustrated and cry,) she’ll stick her tongue in as far as she can and move it around, to tease you more, and she may not always be down for fingering, but when she is, you’ll be very thankful that she’s not into nails like Hyori or Tiffany…because yeah…that would be…yeah, I think you get the point.  Anyways, AMAZING THING ABOUT AMBER!  Not only can she lick pussy, buuut

BUM-DA-DA-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

SHE CAN SUCK A DICK!

Yes people, believe it or not, Amber DOES like men.  Even though I’ve talked about her in the perspective of being a lesbian for the past few paragraphs, Amber does indeed like men, so please pick up your jaws from the floor.  In fact, I would actually put Tiffany higher on the list of bi-sexuality than Amber.  I don’t know why exactly, but I just get this vibe from Tiffany.  I think that it may because of the fact that she would look REALLY hot with a girl, and that I could just PICTURE her right now making out with some really hot fan who got to get into the V.I.P party at SM Town L.A. (who may or may not be me in drag,) but I just get this vibe man…I just know.  Amber’s vibe is nowhere near as strong as her’s.  Don’t let her exterior and fashion fool you, because if you end up walking up to HER in the club, and try to create some sort of glory hole in the bathroom (which would disturb me highly if I heard about such an action on allkpop,) then you’d probably end up looking like a fool since AMBER is looking for a thug.  Yes fella’s, Amber likes the thugs.  To get a perspective on the types of guys that she likes, think of Zico with his dreads.  She likes dudes with swagger.  Those who aren’t afraid to be different and do their own thing regardless of what others say and think.  THAT is what truly turns her on people; not anything with a vag.  And as I previously stated before, Amber can indeed suck a dick.  Now, since this is the first time I’m doing a piece on a woman, let me introduce the three types of dick suckers to you all;

The Candy Dick Suckers:  These are the ones that truly know what the fuck they’re doing.  They know that there is more to the art of sucking a dick than literally sucking and swirling your tongue around the head.  These girl’s will have a guy ready to cum buckets within three minutes at the MOST.  In fact, have you ever been watching porn and seeing a guy totally into a blowjob?  And I mean really, REALLY into it?  So much to the point where he has to lean forward and yank the bitch off of his dick by her hair?  If you have, then take notes from that chick, because she was a definite candy licker…or the guy was a complete bitch.  But when I typed that, I was thinking of Lacey Duvalle, and she’s 67% Candy Licker, so yeah.

The Banana Lickers:  These girls…I can’t even…..I’m done.

The Ice-Cream Lickers:  Like the ice-cream lickers of pussy, these girls only know the basic formula of sucking a dick…and that’s it.  All that you will get from these girls are a couple of inexperienced sucks, that will probably cause her to choke herself like an idiot, strokes to your shaft that won’t even feel good (like, what the fuck?!  HOW DO YOU MESS UP A STROKE,) and tugs to your balls that will be actual TUGS, and not gentle caresses.  Overall, they’re acceptable if you just want your dick sucked really quickly, but if you want a real mind boggling experience that will have your thighs shaking like the girl’s who fake oral orgams, then you either need to go to the Candy Lickers, or get some anal beads and have them pushed against your prostate.  And for God’s sake, no that is not gay…unless you’re with a guy, then you may have something to think about next time you visit grandma from Thanksgiving…oh my God, that sounded so wrong MOVING ON;

Amber= Candy Licker.  Simple as that.  These clique’s of dick suckers are like gang’s to me, and Amber is the mafia princess of the Kpop Candy Licker’s.  I won’t tell you who the boss and prince are, as of yet, but just know that Amber knows how to suck a fucking dick.  The shit that she can do with her tongue on a head can cause a guy to erupt like a fucking volcano.  And the good thing for guy’s is that they don’t even have to worry about her going all ghetto and screaming “WHAT THE FUCK?!  YOU COULDN’T HAVE WARNED ME?!”  I mean really, [RANT ALERT] why in the name of GOD do bitches have the nerve to do that shit?  You are SUCKING A FUCKING DICK!  If you do it long enough, he’s going to cum!  Why the fuck would you need a warning for that shit?  If you really feel the need for the guy to be like a fucking informant librarian on when he’s about to shoot a load in your mouth, you’re either too dumb to tell when a guy is about to cum, which is most likely due to, oh, I don’t know, HIM MOANING LOUDLY, or you need to just not suck dick.  And don’t even get me started on those ho’s who wear “good weave,” HA WHAT THE FUCK EVER, suck dick, and then decide to get mad when the dude cums on her shit.  Oooh…let’s just be thankful that Amber isn’t like that.  She isn’t precisely a freak, as you would think, but yeah, she can get down.

For example, in the means of lesbian sex, not that she’s into it [dead serious, no sarcasm,] if she were to have you in bed…well then let’s just say that the way that you invision scissoring, and regular scissors, will never, EVER be the same.  The friction that you’ll feel, along with the way that she’ll suck on your titties….[passes out.]  It almost makes me wish I was born a woman.  Almost.  And oh my God, the way that she’d makeout with you as she massaged your clit…change your sheets.  Just change your sheets.  Don’t worry guys, I haven’t forgotten about you.  Let’s just say that, in your case, if you’re not a fan of the cowgirl position, a name in which I fucking just realized that I fucking hate, then you better get VERY used to it, because above anything, Amber can ride the shit out of a dick like it was a main attraction at Disney World or Cedar Point.  She doesn’t like to be submissive at all, so missionary and doggy will not get her off, no matter how good you are at it.  You’ve got to let her do her own thing, otherwise she’s not going to be as into it as she could be.  And don’t worry, this does NOT mean that she’s selfish when it comes to the bedroom.  It just means that she knows what the fuck she’s doing, and, in my personal opinion, is a smart player in the bedroom.  She’s personally showing you what she likes and what gets her off.  You do NOT see that with women every day, so be thankful.  She is saving you from being a complete dumbass, like so, so many guys are in the bed.  Ari, you can start praising the Lord now, because I KNOW that you are going to be going off after seeing this, LMFAO!  Allright, now that I have dropped my formal form of writing, it’s time to end this.  Overall, just know that Amber takes her bedroom sessions very seriously.  She wants to pleasure you, but don’t think that just because she does, that means that you can just allow her to do all of the work.  This is something that not only applies to Amber, but EVERYONE!  Give as much as you receive.  Not only are healty relationships built that way, but actual ones as well…I sound like fucking Dr. Phil.

I’m out.

Not like that…

GIVE ME TWO YEARS OKAY?!  I haven’t gone through college yet. ;~~~;

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #5

Bedroom Blogs Week #5

Honestly, I can’t even be bothered to come up with some sort of sassy, finger snapping, zippy intro this week.  This week’s blog is going to be too good, and entertaining, for my soul to be able to do any sort of thing that even remotely relates to thinking.  Oh T.O.P…is there even a need for me to go through all of the sexual inuendos that could be used for the purposes of pleasuring our minds, via your stage name?  I mean, honestly, the mere fact that you could get a woman pregnant with a single wiggle of those God given eyebrows, that are superior to nearly all dick, should say enough for itself.  I mean…God!  If I was a woman, God would not allot me any other choice but to grab you off of the stage, during a YG World concert, drag you into my car, unbuckle your skinnies, spank your ass with your boxers still on, and have you calling me “big momma” all fucking night as you hit that Daddy Stroke, like Ray J thinks he did in the Kim Kardashian sextape.  [Fans self] Oh my God, I would be just like Velma in the second “Scooby-Doo” movie when she was wearing that leather catsuit, came down those stairs, looked at Seth Green, and then was like “who’s your mommy?”  Except in my case, I would probably have to…let me stop, let me stop, let me stop.  This is about the worldwide public, not my wild imagination, so let’s move away from this man’s sexiness (pfft, yeah right,) and move on to what you all came here for; 

His sex game.

Yes…

Shit just got serious.

Lord Jesus…where to begin, where to begin?  I mean, there are so many possibilities and explorations that could, and potentially need to be, made with this man.  I mean…it’s almost mindfuckery, in the highest levels, how many things could possibly be said about him.  I mean…gosh, where do I begin?  The dick?  The candy?  The impactful thrusts?  Where man?!  This man’s sex game is like not watching your favorite soap opera for two months at a time.  You have so many questions, and your mind is running wild with thoughts of what has happened to who, and why your favorite character is all of a sudden pregnant by someone who is NOT who you ship them with (NATALIE AND JOHN,) and yet you still love the show!  It’s like a drug, and in this case, if soaps are our legal drugs, than T.O.P. must be some kind of legally illegal pill of ecstasy that all of us want to slip onto our tongues and let it linger as we close our eyes and accept the tingly feeling in between our thighs that may or may not be caused by our own fingers after we’ve cut our nails off.  He’s like an expensive ass dildo that we can’t buy…why am I coming up with all of these similes?  

Um…anyways, let’s be serious and talk about dick.  Luckily for all of you VIP’s and T.O.P. lovers, the man is packin pretty good.  Six to seven inches, seven and a half on a really horny day (preferably Wednesday,) a width that feels comfy when you wrap your hand around it, to the point where you almost want to giggle at the fact that you find a dick so comfy in your hands, and most of all [Paris Hilton voice] it’s hot.  Not an “OMFG, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR DICK” type of hot, but instead, it has a very nice warmth to it.  Like a campfire during a cold summer day, or a bonfire inside of a well heated room.  It’s basically what you would call a “comfy dick.”  One that you just want to stick in you and have it stay there forever.  No dildo can match a comfy dick.  You either have one that you can stick in your puss and fall asleep with comfortably, or you have to deal with the slight uneasiness of a dildo, depending on where you store it.  I imagine that the sock drawer, where I presume ninety-five percent of women keep theirs, is fine, but leaving it just out on your dresser during the winter months might be uncomfortable, to say the least, even when your pussy is emitting a wam heat.  Call his penis the new invention of “The Dick Pillow,” if you will.  But that’s besides the point right now.  The true point of this entire “Bedroom Blogs,” the one that I REALLY want you to remember as you leave, and then watch every video of T.O.P.  like the stalker you are right after reading this, is the following;  YOU WANT THIS MAN INSIDE OF YOU!

Having this man’s presence, his essence, near you, just SLIGHTLY out of your grips, and his scent, of pure masculinity and “MMMF,” inside of your nostrils are just a mere Christmas gift, in the earthly sense.  But having his naked SKIN under your finger tips, his soft lips on your upper and lower pair, his tongue exploring your mouth in even greater detail than smut fanfiction that tries too hard, and his dick pumping in and out of you, in a love making manner…[crying at the mere thought] that is a gift sent straight from Jesus himself, and I bless the Lord for any woman who gets to experience that wonderful, wonderful, wonderful sensation.  Sure, she’ll be screaming out random ass shit like Nicki Minaj as he continues to slam in and out of her and talk dirty into her ear, but it is worth the slight embarrassment.  I thiink I can speak for all of us when I say that if any of us were to recieve such a wonderful, life-fullfilling, heavenly gift, we would POTENTIALLY be heading to church for every Sunday for the rest of our lives.  The key word in that sentence being “potentially.”  Because…yeah, church is a…touchy topic for some of us.  But anyways, religion is far from the mind at the moment.  It is beside the point.  The point is that…[crying again] this man…he is so beautiful…that words cannot even begin to describe it!  I am serious people.  I have never, NEVER had these types of emotions when typing out a “Bedroom Blogs.”  It’s like…it’s like I idolize this man…but I want to personally see, with my own naked eyes, what it’s like to be in his presence during such a wonderful moment like sex.  I would…you know what, let me stop right there before I really get my ass in trouble with these blogs when I go to Korea in the future.

Doggy style.  Ladies, do not think that you just have to stay on your knees and not do shit, because this is a very complex position with an array of different outcomes, depeding on your experience and experimentation with it.  Just lie there and let the guy do all of the work, and there is a ninety-nine percent chance that the shit won’t be pleasurable.  But if you really take the time out to explain to the guy what you want, move your ass once in a while, and tell him when he’s actually hit the spot, instead of having him thrust into you in a mindless manner like a dumbass, then I guarantee that you will be a very happy girl at the end of the day.  This is especially true for T.O.P.  It is arguable whether or not this position is above all of them, but he loves his doggy.  I would almost say that it’s his favorite position, hands down.  That also leads me into my next point.  Though you would not expect him to be, at all, he is VERY experimental in bed.

Now let me explain the different types of experimenters in bed.  You’ve got those who are like those annoying blonde bitches who are all “oh my God, I’ve never been with a woman before…what’s it like?”  You’ve got those guys who suddenly find themselves drawn to their best friend after about seven rounds of beer pong who’ll stick him in the ass for about fifteen minutes before passing out and waking up the next morning wondering “what the fuck happened,” when in reality, he remembers it at some of the best sex he’s ever had, along with a great makeout session.  You’ve got those who are into fetishes that make it onto tv…a.k.a the one’s you want to avoid.  And then you’ve got T.O.P.; the experimenter that you actually want to be with.  He is the type of man who will come to bring you a snack at your job, hug you from behind, in a way that doesn’t look suspicious if anyone is around, and whisper, in that voice that will make you cream your panties, something along the lines of “you, me, copy machine, now, and bring a pen,” into your ear as you try your best to stay alive after the mere mention of “you and him” in the same sentence.  He’s not precisely an experimenter when it comes to POSITIONS, per-say, but instead, he’s more-so of location and toys.  Take note that when I say toys, I don’t mean anal beads.  Do NOT try to stick anything up his ass, because the “TURN IT UP LOUD” pimp T.O.P. will come out, and potentially smack the shit out of you…though if he’s already on top of you missionary style, you won’t mind at all, even if you’re one of those sensitive bitches like that wench from the “Jersey Shore.”  And yes I mean Sammi.

When I say that he is experimental in the means of toys, what I mean is that he will want to use an array of toys with YOU.  Now he’s not the type who will actually go into the store with you and look at dildo’s and shit like that, but if you were to bring something home, ask him to look at it, he would be more than happy to help you figure out how exactly to use the said toy in order to make you cum.   I can just impicture him right now teasing someone with one of those purple rabbit dildo’s or something.  This is a man you’ll want to keep ladies.  I mean, any man who will want you nearly ANYWHERE, that’s sanitary of course, and can keep you on your toes even when both of you are 45 and THINK you’ve done everything, oh yeah, do not let him go.  This also leads me to my next point.  His openness in sexuality means, BUM BUM BUM; he’ll want to see you pleasure yourself.  T.O.P. LOVES women; that’s a given.  If you think not, then…God pray for you, or something, because you do not deserve to be in anyone’s presence right now.  Anyways, being the lover of women that he is, he is obviously one who will appreciate a woman’s body like a temple.  He isn’t exactly at the level of Junhyung in that manner, but he is pretty damn close.  Another thing that needs to be noted about T.O.P. is the fact that he is VERY demanding, but in a good way.  He’s the type that can feel sexual energy in the air, and if he knows that you want it, and he DAMN SURE wants it, he’s getting it.  He is the type of man who will walk through the door after a concert, and even if your ass is baking cookies and a holiday ham, he’ll bang his hand on the wall next to you, look down at you, and say “upstairs, now.”  And if you’re ass doesn’t do it, best believe that he is the type who tease the SHIT out of you and not give you any for two weeks.  And trust me when I say that he WILL be coming out of the bathroom right after a shower just to show you what you COULD have had, had you just let the house burn down via picking dick over honey glaze on the ham.  Because even though he is very sexual and experimental, do not let his exterior fool you in that manner, he can hold out.

That’s yet another thing that needs to be noted; the fact that he’s not a fucking addict who wants nothing but sex.  He’s also not selfish.  He, like the previous four men who have been discussed within “Bedroom Blogs,” well, exnaying Siwon, actually cares for the women that he is with.  He doesn’t just bang and go.  Best believe that when you get the chance to be with him, you are going to BE with him.  The sex that you’ll have with him will feel like you’re actually be in a relationship with him, and take note that you will need to be vocal.  Both in the means that he’ll ask you, in moderation, whether or not you’re okay, if he feels like something’s wrong, and how you like your dick.  Which angles, how fast, how slow, etc.  He’s here to please YOU, because your pleasure is indeed his pleasure.  I know that this is going to sound cheesy as FUCK, but in a way, it’s like the heart to his sexuality.  Without you enjoying the sex, there is no enjoyment on his end.  If you are proceeding on with everything and he seems like he’s clueless, except in the means of his candy licking ways (yes ladies, he is a candy licker that will send your clit to the ICU by the time he’s done with it,) since you’ll more than make it obvious that he’s doing something right, it’s because he is.  Sure, he is the type of man who can have a pretty good clue how a woman likes her loving and in what way she wants it, but he has more respect for a woman than to just go off and do things his way.  It’s up to you to make the experience pleasurable for the both of you.  So if you find him to be at all a bad lay, then blame yourself for not opening your mouth for anything other than sucking his white ass dick…okay, it’s not that white, just lighter than his skin.  But eh, it goes along with the length well, and the length is phenom, because even if he accidentally twitches at how good your walls feel around his dick, he’ll more than likely find your g-spot with the snap of his fingers.  And once that happens, expect hard hitting thrusts that will lead into slower, teasing ones, various sessions of candy licking, and loud moans that, with them alone, could have you re-painting your walls in your own sex juice.  Sorry if that sounded a bit disturbing, but hey, the man’s voice is THAT powerful.  Almost more powerful than the Almighty dick.  This, along with his looks, makes this man irresistible to any woman or man who’s looking to get with him.  And trust that if you ever do…let’s just say that the words within this edition of “Bedroom Blogs” aren’t even HALF of what you’ll experience.  I’ll just let you see that portion for yourself.

Holler!  

Credit to all who provided the images. <3

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #4

“Bedroom Blogs” Week #4

[Sniffs the heavenly stench of roses in the air, and exhales sensually.]  Aaah, another day of being alive officially signals one of my favortie, and most anticipated, moments of the week; yet another edition of “Bedroom Blogs.”  And, much to my “pleasure,” it also signals yet another edition of one of my favorite parts of the week!  I call it; “Josh Typing All Of This At The Last Minute When It Should Have Been Done Ages Ago But Easily Gets Distracted By Tumblr And Fight Clips of ‘The Bad Girls Club’ On Youtube.”  I am really finding it quite sad, at the moment, that my illness of procrastination STILL refuses to cease existition, even as I leave high school and enter the big world of college very soon.  [Sighs] The Devil is such a bitch, and I am so screwed when it comes to research papers.  But anyways, getting off of the topic of how I’ll more than likely be crying my eyes out in college due to doing something at the last minute that I originally planned to do early so I wouldn’t have to worry about it, like I said before, I am back, yet again, to fill all of your Wet Wednesday fantasies with informational facts, and insight into the secret lives of one of your, potential, favorite idols’ “moderately unknown” [shifty eye] sex lives.  So, without further adeu’, let’s get on to the [Sistar voice] PUSH PUSH BABY-“SEX BLOGS WEEK 4!”  

It sounded right in my head. 

Leave me alone;

Um…could someone please explain to me why exactly Asian men are on the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to sexual stereo-types and racial sexiness?  Anyone?  I mean, seriously, anyone?  Well…actually, now that I think about it, the freaky Japanese porn and boring ass Chinese porn (though they are quite good at missionary, I must admit,) might have something to do with it, along with the pubic hair situation, and the fact that when most ignorant motherfucker’s, who actually believe in racial and sexual stereo-types, like they’re the fucking Bible or something, think of Asians, they think of something along the lines of “HE DO MATH EQUATION WELL,” or funny imitation of Chinese, which is pretty much just gibberish that even a toddler would find to be dumb and irritating to the mind.  God I hate people like that.  I really fucking do.  But anyways, on a serious note, you can’t really base an entire race’s sexual stereo-types on something like porn or Zane novels…but then again, that is how the black’s got the big dong stereo-type, and being a black man, I will accept that will open arms, whether it is true or not.  It’s like getting free candy.  Shoot me for taking the damn lollipop and bopping my head as I suck on it and, maybe, think of Key’s interpretation of Brown Eyed Girl’s “Abracadabra” and T-ara’s “Bo Peep” as I do so.  Wow…I get off topic very easily.  ANYWAYS, back to the big black dong stereo-type, which, though for the most part I have seen to be decently true, I do not feel is exactly well deserved for the race of African American’s.  But then again, just because you have a big dick doesn’t necessarily mean that you can throw down in the sheets.  Bigbadwolfe, I am giving you permission to now throw a bible into the air and shout “PRAISE HIM,” as I know that you will do after reading that line.  Now the LATINO’S…you know what, let me stop right there before I go on and say something that I might regret in the future.  I think I already creeped out two people earlier in the morning, and God knows that I’m already screwed when it comes to getting a corporate job in the future.  Really though, why do future employer’s even feel the need to base our credibility as worker’s by how we may, or may not, act on Facebook, or Twitter?  I thought that America was an equal opportunity country that is supposed to be based upon the merit of not judging people based on a symbolistic outside cover…but then again, when you look at all of the hate on homosexuals, that has OBVIOUSLY been proven not to be true.  [Sighs] But, along with some other things said in this paragraph, that’s a rant for another day and another time.

Let’s get back to Smexy Asian man smut, of the non-yaoi variety, shall we?  In case there are some of you oblivious people out there who don’t know who exactly the person above is, in which case I don’t even know why you’re reading this…though I’m not exactly complaining (per-say,) it is the, more than likely self-proclaimed, “Sex God of Super Junior” (I personally think that title may go to Eunhyuk,) Choi Siwon.  He is the man who ladies swoon over every single time that the shirt comes off, and then the business attire comes on.  For real though, I don’t know why exactly women find men in business attire so sexy (maybe it’s because of the air around them or something,) but seeing this man in a casual white shirt, that may or may not be see-through, and black slacks, that show off just the perfect amount of bulge, is sure to send some girl to the hospital…or drive her to the extreme lengths of either buying her first dildo, in “Not Another Teen Movie” fashion, or having sex with some other random Asian man and pretending, within your mind as he’s mindlessly on top of you not doing anything impressive, per-say, that he is Choi Siwon making passionate love to you as you brush your finely designed nails delicately over the smoothness of his rippled abs, and muscular back.  Sounds like Heaven, right?  Well, if the smile on my face is any indication of such, I’m going to go out on a very flimsy limb here and say “HECK YEAH!”

But then again…sorry to inform you girls, but Siwon isn’t exactly…the “best” in bed, per-say.  Now I know that some of you out there just gasped in the most appalled manner on the planet, like a middle aged white woman would if she ended up reading this, so let me explain.  Like the previously mentioned Bigbadwolfe told me, Siwon does get a lot of pussy, yes…no doubt…no questioning of it whatsoever…no cheese, no bacon, no onion, mofo is gettin pussy as much as Nicki Minaj signs titties, a.k.a.; ALL…OF..THE…TIME!  And yet SM is, more than likely, completely oblivious to this.  Oh yeah motherfucker’s, report us on the heartbreaking information on Jonghyun and THAT WOMAN, but fail to inform fans on which woman Siwon is fucking tonight.  Really bitches?  Are you really going to withold this information from me?  I mean God, he gets so much pussy that you could make a fucking blog about it!  [Calms down slightly.]  So with that being said, some of you may still be waiting for me to get to the point on what I mean by him not being “the best in bed, per-say.”  Well, like having a big dick, just because you get pussy doesn’t exactly mean that you can SMASH the pussy.  Now Siwon does a good job, for the most part, but he doesn’t exactly leave you breathless (like Kim Jonghyun, per-say,) and not minding that his seed is inside of you…unless you’re some obsessed fangirl who is planning on stealing his used condom in order to have yourself a very chisled, somewhat scary looking, baby in the next two years.  And in that case, I recommend that you either do one of two things; call me, or seek professional help.  

To go into further detail, let me put it this way; Siwon’s body is an A+, perfect grade, but his sex skills are a B, B+ at the max.  Like I said, he won’t leave your thighs shaking like the ground as thunder is booming in the sky above, but he will cause you to tremble a little bit after he’s all done and finished with you.  Now if some of you are a bit turned off that I just worded that sentence in such a manner, then quite frankly, you might want to stay turned off, because I worded that perfectly, at least when it comes to Siwon.  Yet again…let me explain.  You see, before, in “Bedroom Blogs Week #1,” I talked about how Rain is the type of man who, though obviously wants pleasure for himself, is going to legitimately care about the woman that he is with, and treat her like a blooming flower in Spring time.  Hold off on the nasty virginity comments, please.  But Siwon (this motherfucker,) may SEEM like that on the outside, or when you meet him at some bar after a boring SM Town after party, but  please do not be one of those stupid “Teen Mom” bitches and think that just because he’s kissing you tenderly, and giving you good head, means he really cares about, or, GOD FORBID, he is [baby voice] “in love with you.”  This is what I like to call “a ploy,” people.  It’s a technique that he uses in the hopes that you can remember him for a longer duration, so that, if he ever comes back to see you, he can get the pussy again.  Don’t let the “take home to mom” looks fool you people; Choi Siwon has his player ways.  There is no doubt in my mind, and no bitch on this planet can convince me, even when he is married with three kids, that he is one-hundred percent wholesome, and a sweetheart.  Nuh uh.  Not happening.  Fuck you.  I see him as the type of man who would “accidentally” bring the plots of “Fatal Attraction” AND fucking “Obsessed,” which is somewhat the same movie, to real life with some skank in the future (whosenamemayormaynotbekrystalAHEM,) and end up getting divorced via not being able to keep the “python” in his damn slacks.

That leads me to my next point.  Don’t let the body fool you people, because Siwon isn’t…well, THAT big, per-say.  He is packin though.  Seven inches, not that thick, and hardly any veins on it.  Now given that I’m not a woman, and haven’t fucked a man before, I don’t know if having less veins makes the sex feel better, I would presume it would though, but yeah, take that little bit of information however you would like to.  Especially given that I don’t know how all of you like your dick, though I would presume that most of you don’t even care as long as the man it’s attached to (LMFAO) is God through your eyes.  So with that being said, the size probably doesn’t matter to most of you when it comes to Siwon, but I’m just here to tell you that he’s not packing a Dubulge, no matter how many of you may be convinced that he is.  Remember that I am the sex expert here.  Just sayin.  But anyways, as I previously implied, it’s the motion of the boat that really must count to you all, and not whether or not it’s a yacht or a raft [resisting the urge to make a Yoseob dig], so to finish this blog, I will go into a little bit more detail on the bedroom action of Mr. Choi Siwon.

Yet again, for another week in a row, let me introduce the two types of pussy lickers;

They’re like gangs tbh.

 You’ve got the Bi Rain Candy Lickers 

and then you’ve got…

 The Nichkhun “Get the Fuck Off Of My Snatch” Ice-cream/Awkward as Fuck Lickers.  

I am very pleased to inform you all that Siwon is in fact a candy licker.  That is one of the things that you can rest tonight knowing as a fact and true belief about our precious Choi Siwon.  He can lick da pussy very well…and then have you squirting “Waterfalls” and singing TLC afterwards.  That’s when you know a man has licked you well; if you sing right afterwards.  And if it’s a gospel song, get that man’s number…unless he is a light skinned African American male with long hair, because then you will end up living life as a baby mama, and if your parents end up outcasting you, I’m not even going to feel bad, because I’ve warned you people before about those types of men.  Call me racist if you want, but just watch the “Maury Show” and you’ll see that I’m right.  Really, watch for THREE seconds, and tell me what you see, besides a fat bitch running back stage and falling on the floor, hence, embarrassing the shit out of herself on national television like 3,750 other idiotic women who don’t know to either keep their fucking legs shut, find a better man, switch to women, or fucking GET A PATERNITY TEST AT HOME SO THIS DAMN SHOW CAN BE CANCELLED!  [Sighs angrily] Anyways, Siwon, candy licker, love it.  Oh, I also need to note that he will spend a lot of time teasing your clit, which is probably going to be the main reason why you explode and he tries to catch it all in his mouth.  Now that may sound a little bit “what the fuck,” but really, if you have a man who’s that into sex, you might want to keep him around…if you’re in a small town, because those types do tend to cheat.  

As for actually laying it down with the dick, like I said before, he’s in a B to B+ range.  He can indeed snap those hips like the crack of a whip and have you against the wall as he’s pounding into your pussy like a hairstylist pounds a lace front wig onto Beyonce’s head, but the real lacking comes during two very important places; pleasuring the woman, and dirty talk.  Let me just say right now [resisting the urge to laugh] Siwon’s dirty talk…it sucks.  He’s the type of man whose body alone could have you saying “fuck yeah,” so really, his mouth isn’t needed unless he’s licking on your clit like one of those snack sized jawbreakers.  But…unfortunately, he doesn’t know that.  He’s the type of man who gets his game from both experience, and porn.  The bad thing about that is that he takes the bad parts of porn into his bedroom skills.  Now I don’t know how many of you are into the whole “yeah bitch, you like this dick in you,” type of dirty talk, but if I was a chick, I think that I would be kind of disturbed.  Like, seriously, we’re having sex, not playing a fucking game of “Madden 2012.”  We do not need commentary for what we’re doing, I can obviously feel that in my fucking vagina and about 200 pounds on my body.  Idiot.  But anyways, onto the pleasuring you part.  Sorry to say it ladies, but you will come across some selfish moments with this man.  The whole “slamming you against the wall and pounding your pussy thing,” may sound like Heaven in your head, but in reality, when you get to the nitty, gritty, details of it, you may not find it that enjoyable when you realize that he’s doing it for his own pleasure and not yours.  In fact, at that point, he’s probably ready to cum, grab a towel, and call it a day until another year, give or take, when he sees you again.  A.k.a, after you fuck Choi Siwon, you will feel used.  And yes, I do mean in the “oh my God…I feel like such a whore” type of way.  Unless you are highly into one night stands and have the mindset to handle them, for Gods sake, do not fuck this man.  In the end, Siwon is for professionals ONLY!  If you’re so cute to the point where he’ll stare at you constantly and want to make you his wife, then yeah, you can be included in there, but if you’re just a fangirl who “likes his body,” get the fuck out.  Girls who can pop the ass on the dick so fast that he busts a nut in two minutes are the one’s who can tackle this task, and maybe even make him feel like the one played in the end.  Girl power bitches.

HOLLER!  

THREE SNAPS IN A “Z” FORMATION!